BYE 2013: HELLO 2014!!!

Last post is kind of too sad...too sad I shouldn't have posted it.

Oh well,,let me start off where I ended with the *finally* post.

That post was blown out of proportion. Especially the am in love part.
So let's get a couple of things sweet super clear..

1.just cause Jaykie thinks am in love does not mean I think so too...or that I really am.

Great.Now its gonna sound like am denial.

2.I did mention the person is question was totally wrong to fall for.yes?
Haven't I always been known to do the right thing? Idk why anyone would think I would do otherwise

Anyways,,any of that ain't important anymore.
Love things confuse me too much for me to try to explain.

The year 2013 is to me equivalent to the year 2009. I will have you remember that 2009 was my best year at college. okay,enough said.

2014
*I hope I live up to the dream version of myself.
*I hope I maintain inner peace when I find all that am looking for.
*I hope God never gives up on me. :(

It's going to be my year of Gracious Opportunities.

Resolutions
I See people going all,*I don't make new years resolutions....some add anymore at the end...in my mind am like,yah,that was me at some point in life; aimless.
But that's Not my problem.

I am the type to make resolutions.
I wanna know what I want to achieve other than just stumble into it.

Of course though, I don't post all my resolutions here or anywhere else come to think of it. They are for me and God alone.

But the ones we all might wanna cross check
1. Know God more. I wanna get rid of my spiritual immaturity.

2.Fellowship with the Holy Ghost to a greater height

3. Love God and myself much more.

Does that sound like all my resolutions are God centred? Okay,great.They are. I have learnt,that when my relationship with God is good,things just automatically go great.that simple logic that makes me just wanna seek him more and know He will work on me.

Simply also cause He is the centre of my existence.

'Seek Ye first the kingdom of God and the rest will follow'

2014 seems like the year I start building up on the foundation laid in 2013.

So yes,,I want to b a better person,be much nicer,,be an exemplary Christian,,I want to learn and Not make the same mistakes made in the past years.I want much.and all that,i will achieve through Him who strengthens Me.

My financial resolutions and you will scream No.so al keep to myself.ey r that grand.

Highlights of ths year in pics...I admit I did a hazy job of t last year but its cause I was in a rush,didn't have that many pics.allow.

This year though,we have so many pics a had trouble choosing.I chose some and still they were many.

Nb:The pics look good on a pc.

Three quarters of the pics below I took myself,or I was there when t was taken.the rest I asked for,& bless these peoples hearts,ey never asked what they were for.Smh.

Okay,,major moments....

I turned 21....its liberating...!!!! And then mind blowing,,am getting old..and so far am yet to do something people remember me for.the footprint in the sands of time is Yet to be made.

Graduations!! Yes!! With an S!!I graduated..my big family came...See pics.. Aggie my love graduated!!! We didnt graduate together like we always planned to,but See pics also. Kumbu graduated!!!! We didn't graduate together also... But Divine,my favorite in_law ryt now was there...check pics...

3.Christmas event at RFP...I love my RFP family so much.my pastor is simply God sent and I have grown so much from every member. Was in the Christmas service organisation committee..am yet to serve in a better place.it was sooo much fun! I loved it and the service itself.

4. Went to the lake twice ths yr.. shd go more this year...and both times,I had super fun!!
5.staying wf mum and dad....the best parents in the world. I love them dearly.
Seriously,,There is too much to post....al tel in 2014... This post is too long.

Okay,the Pics below are of the beautiful people in my life.in different ways they make up the person I am. I love em all.
Ps. Emmanuel and a couple of people are suspiciously missing on the collages. I love em still,I just don't have that many pics of them.

& some people,well...their pics being on here would just be too controversial we don't need that in 2014. I would put em here otherwise.

Thank you all for the pieces of me you take care of, and May 2014 be the best year you have ever had in Christ Jesus Name.

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!!!!!

It's confusing enough to b a woman,Then comes Confusing feelings

Ithink am too conflicted.
It's just a thought,but to b honest am scared of lots of stuff right now.
At a point I realise so much about myself, most of which I do Not know how to take.

I don't expect anyone to understand this.
It bothers me so much tho,it has to be noted.

You ever loved someone so much,they were your everything?
That love that consumed ur very soul.
U Wud do practically do everything to just b wif them.
When ey come first,dignity,pride,friends,and yes, family come second?
It's Not quite an obsession,but its something close.
It's hurting when they do,and happy when they are.
Ecstatic is the feeling when u just the two of you and doing nothing and loving it.
Words fail me.
That person who u convinced is the love of your life..& u knw ul never love anyone else the way u do them.

I loved X.(let's call him that).
Dangerously in love was my tune.
And I loved er moment of it.and him.

Now.....
I have to imagine that feeling.
To write down the above,I had to imagine it.
To remember it.
Coz for one reason Nd another,I don't feel that way anymore.
I don't know when it happened.
But here I am,and the mention of his name does nun to my heart.
I have seen him once on the streets,and he's like,oh well,some gorgeous being.
But that's all.
No heart flutter...no longing to call out for him.
Again,words fail me right now.
It ain't like am numb.or I hate him.
In fact,I was happy to hear sm gud news of him.that's Not numb ryt? Or z t?
I don't hate him,he loved me like nobody ever did.
Av owez believed u determine how u feel...against the old time favourite,u can't help how u feel.
But right now,am Not sure wat I want to feel.

Do I b glad to be over such destructive love?
It doesn't feel like victory.
Do I b sad for the loss of something great,once in a lifetime phenomenal?
For some reason,its Not sad its done with.

But all that brings me to my misery.
Was it love if it cud vanish like that?
What's that say about me if am able to feel like this of a person I claimed to have loved so much?
It's surreal.
It scares me.
The sands of time phrase keeps coming in mind.
Am Not sad...bt nor am I happy.and I need to b one of those to gt past this hazy feeling.

I keep asking myself silly questions yah...
Beatrice,do u love x? Answer is yes.but merely as someone whose life was entwined with me at one point.nothing more.

I explained to Eve,and she agreed with me,its scary.and maybe a little dissapointing.

I See lots of people tweeting and going on about how they would wanna get over someone.

I seriously never planned on doing that,bt I was so excited when I noticed that was what was happening.

But the end? The end is so disgusting.

If X can b unloved.No one stands a chance.sounds corky,bt its true.I know it,er1 close to me knows it.& that's js a sad fact am tryna get around.

*Lord,I believe in you.& know am being scared over nothing.*

Finally!

Hie......

I know..It’s been long. Was trying to find the words.

Am not sure I did. But here I am, with so much to say, so little vocabulary to use.

For starters, I have managed to live up to my new year’s resolutions.

1. To stop social networking....I did for three months :)

2. To be more humble........... I can’t imagine being anything else now. am sure i can improve, but I am better off on this score than i was last year.

3. Meet new people.... I forgot about this one, but when I went back and checked, i discovered I done did it without noticing.. Yes, I know a couple new great people...and I aint crazy about the #NoNewFriends thing as much as other people even though I Love my old friends just fine.

4. Get out of my comfort zone.... I went over the top with this one. Wasn’t so easy at first, but then I sorta dived into it and it just started being normal being a whole new me. 

So basically, I ACED MY NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS!!!! Done did It.

Need to come up with better ones in 2014 though. No need to undo these ones though, they are fiiiinnnnee.

Okay, I haven’t posted my gala pics..eish. 

That means I havent recorded that am in BT yet right.

Heck, there’s so much to write about.

And Oh, Jaykie came home and came up to this conclusion: Am in Love.

Freaked the hell out of me.

Like how in the world? 

Okay, I get her reasoning and all... and am not scared of falling in Love. But I am scared of falling in love with the wrong person. And that's what’s happening. Of course I laughed it off, okay; it is sorta amusing this is happening. It’s like cupid is playing a sick joke on me for being too judgmental on most girls. And I find it funny considering who we talking about here… But Damn! He makes me happy!

It’s just a matter of knowing what’s right and what’s not and ofcoz heading the right direction even if it means wrenching my whole heart right about now.

Okay, I have to say this, my spiritual life is good. I avoid saying this when it is not so good.

But at this very moment, am confident of His Grace over me and of my heritage.

This is no irrelevant at this point. But I lost a friend...Wanangwa Sanga.

I was so sad when I heard of his passing.. Even more because it was in an accident.

It’s hard to accept his loss, but am comforted. He has gone to the better place.

He fought a good fight. And surely it is precious in the Lords eyes.

Psalms 116:15>>>Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.

I will definitely Miss him. And I can’t wait to meet up in heaven and dance together again: will we dance for Him? Or will we, in awe of Jesus, just be still. *I can only imagine*

I have lots to write. I stopped writing in my diary ages ago it’s sad..the way I used to do it every day though.

Lord have Mercy, Christ have Mercy...On my soul.

Am almost done with the Benny Hinn books I have been reading. I will tell you one thing,  my life will never been the same. I read *Good Morning Holy Spirit and I thought it was the best book I ever read second only from the bible...Only to read *Kathryn Kluhman-how she touched my life...and oh, something in me just shifted. I read *Getting to know the Holy Spirit. I feel like I have been spiritually starved for long...Am now reading *The Blood. And This I tell you, is the best book I ever read.. Ever.

Did I mention I have so much to write about?

Okay...

Have you ever thought like you have lost someone even when they are still alive?

When their spirit is gone and they do not want to fight and you feel hopeless because even though you have faith, you need them to also want to have hope?

I can relate to the *Hope is all we have* phrase.

Like, we are not assured of anything are we? We can lose everything in a single second.

I choose to think this way though, *we can gain everything in a single second.*

God is all I have.

B.E.A.